My Sin: Being God UNCONSCIOUSLY

In 1975, I saw my sin. Technically, I was a Christian, but as a Pentecostal I was pretty green. I asked Jesus to give me the gift of tongues, and was rejected. I really did not know what the baptism in the Holy Spirit was. Being rejected by God disturbed me, and I, still in prayer, sought to find out 1) why I was rejected, and 2) how to become acceptable to God. As nothing else in the world mattered to me, I entered a trance.

In my trance, following a wilderness path I came upon a huge, grey cube which blocked my progress. I knew it was that thing about me that God rejected, and that I could not make any progress towards my answers because of it. The problem was, it wasn't identified. I searched in vain for any name or marking on it. I could not climb up it, I could not get around it, and I could not go down the passage it covered. I knew I had to give this thing about-and-of me to God to become acceptable to Him, but I had absolutely no idea what it was! How could I give it to Him if I could not name it? Worse, not knowing what it was, what if it was something I really did not want to give up? What if it was doing something I really did not want to do? Thoroughly stymied in my mental arguments, I finally called out, "Lord, I do not know what this is, but whatever it is, I give it to You."

In my imagination, I saw a man created out of mud, a mudman, and following along him, I became him. I had to take care of myself: I had to find a safe place to stay; I needed to find firewood; I had to gather some food. I was mentally debating whether I should gather food for that night first, or plant seeds for food tomorrow when it hit me: I was in charge of me. I was making all the decisions of what I needed to do, and how I was going to do them. It scared me half to death, for--

IT WASN'T MY LIFE!!

That "my" life was not mine struck me like a two-by-four smacked upside along my head. In quite actual terror I realized that I was robbing--had robbed God of all the purpose He must have had for me when He created me. Just moments prior I had been lifeless mud. Then suddenly I was alive. God had given me HIS life, and I, not recognizing Him, was using it for MY purposes. I had never asked God what He had made me for, for what purpose He had made me to live. What was I SUPPOSED to have done? I had never thought of Him while I lived; I had always determined what I wanted to do, and just did it. I had never even said, "Thank You," to Him for this life. I had just figured this was MY life, that I can do anything I want with it. I had even "given" myself to God AS HIS PEER--if I did not like what He did with me, I was going to take my life back! I now realized that to God, I was in rebellion, rebellion as witchcraft!

Long story short: using spiritual sensitivity I had gained in the occult, I cast control of myself out of myself: I thoroughly surrendered myself to God. I thought I would fall like a blob onto the floor next to the seat I was kneeling at, BUT I WAS CAUGHT. Sensing this support, I submitted myself to God, and lo (sorry for sounding dramatic), the sky above me (in my imagination) glowed with the Presence of God. I determined to shut up and listen for His directions, and He accepted me. In the Silence He simply said, "Remember this, and it is all right." Ecstatic in the euphoria of being accepted, I was baptized with the Holy Spirit.

What had been my sin throughout my life? Directing my own life as though I was independent of God, separate and divided from Him--being unconscious of my BEING HIM.

Post Script: What do you think was "this" in "Remember this, and it is all right"? Surrendered and submitted to God, I had said, "You are Glorious God; I am a mudman. Whatever You want me to do, that I will do." This relationship is part of what I am to remember. I know that I am actually IN the mudman, but while I am, I AM him, and he is me. I think that part and parcel with this relationship I am to remember to SHUT UP AND LISTEN. The mudman is wholly dependent upon the Divine from Whom and of Whom he is. We are God's Manifestation; correspondence of ourselves to Him is key. What He IS is what we are to DO. Please do not forget that we FOLLOW.