Anonymous Testifies

The following comment on my last post, "Anonymous the Creator," is why I try to come up with insights that may touch a person and help them to break through this fog of understanding, or perhaps I should say misunderstanding, that pervades the human race:

Writes Anonymous:

So then... the well meaning "prayers" of the uber religious who view me as "not having" or as "struggling" or as "needs help" are indeed hurting me. Yes? Correct? What do I do about that?

Let me tell you something. I have been in the pit of despair since I was a very young child. I won't bore you with the details because you're not a therapist, though rest assured "therapists" are a useless lot, because one can't lead where one hasn't been.

I took a huge risk in a last ditch effort to save myself. I quit the job that was sucking the life out of me. I knew that if I wanted to really devote time and energy to shifting consciousness, I would need time and energy, and that job took it all. So I quit. I've been living off a small settlement, not much.

I spent the entire summer, the last three months, doing whatever I could to FEEL as good as I could. Every day going out into the sunshine, walking, mustering all the good feelings I could. Imagining daily. Hiking while repeating affirmations. Everything I could. And it was a battle some days. But I kept at it. I have persisted to the best of my ability. I even asked God to give me more faith. I know, I know, asking for faith is acknowledging you don't have it. Well what else is one supposed to do? I gave it my all.

You know what came of that? Absolutely nothing. I'm out of money and out of time. And the sun is leaving and soon enough it's going to be a mountain of snow and bitter cold. I still have no love, no friends, no financial freedom, no happiness, no love no love no love, and now no job to boot.

When a person is in a pit so deep and they make their most valiant effort to reach up toward happiness, God ought to at least extend his hand, but he doesn't! And time is eup. I have to go get another slave gig asap so I can go on living for no particular reason.

You know what we are? We're living, breathing, FEELING, physical manifestations of programs. That's what we are. Expressions of our programming. And when you're trapped in an endless loop of sh*t programming, it sucks.

Please, whether you publish or censor this, please do not tell me to go get medication. There is absolutely no pill on Earth that is going to fill the huge void in my life. And even if there were... I don't have insurance. I did however have the great privilege of paying a huge penalty I couldn't afford, all for the luxury of not being able to afford insurance and being just a little too "rich" for medicaid. I have tried the "natural" route... vitamins and so forth. But the thing is, it's not chemical and it's not hormonal. It's what my LIFE EXPERIENCES have done to me.

We may very well "create our reality" by our thoughts, feelings and subconscious beliefs... but there is NO WAY we are in control of those things. It doesn't work. And there is NO ONE in my life who is "imagining lovingly" for me. No one who is lifting me up in imagination. And I don't have the money to pay someone to help me out.
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Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for writing. I cannot explain everything at once, writing being linear, and you've got a lot here. Excuse me while I scroll up and down.

No, God is not ignorant or blind. Well-meaning people who pray for you do not confuse him. He knows his objective and how to get to it. I cannot pray for a roof over your head, though I acknowledge you do not have one, without imagining you with a roof over your head. But the religious may not being as helpful as they might. In any case, you yourself are sovereign God of your natural self, so no one can hex you, as it were.

Yes, I am not a therapist, so I can only throw out some educated guesses as to what might help you and give some well-meant human-to-human advice. Besides wishing you could have found another line of work that wouldn't have sucked the life out of you, I wish you could feel happy and well in spite of negative, contrary circumstances. That, I acknowledged a few posts ago, may be the hardest thing for some of us to do.

I am honestly impressed with the effort you put forth to change your mind. It isn't that nothing came of it. I hope you will perceive what did come of it. That would be worth the price of the lesson.

You remind me of a number of people I have known (a subset of the mass of humanity) who have something which has perplexed evangelists throughout the ages. I am not sure how to describe it. 'Perspective' is probably the closest word I'll find. There is something in their perspective for which they don't "get it." I don't meant that judgmentally; it's just an observation (we will all eventually get it).

Premier among them was Raphael, my friend who took me to Grace Bible Church in Honolulu, where I was baptized in the Holy Spirit. He was the one who asked for the gift of tongues. I waited a long time in the vestibule while the ministers worked on him. One came out and invited me to receive the gift also. Finding myself utterly rejected by God, I cast myself upon him, and he caught me (God, not the minister). Emptied of my self-lordship and self-control, and most importantly accepted by him, in my release I was filled with the Holy Spirit and overwhelmed with gratitude and love which literally spilled out of my mouth in tongues.

But Raphael, well, he just never got it. He kept looking for an input, much to many ministers' frustration, and I had found the output. Same with my mother, God bless her. And DeBorah. Tony, no, Tony visited Melodyland Christian Center with my mom, and he went down and got filled with the Holy Spirit. I watched a video of T. L. Osborn about to speak at a missions school which I believe had been his property, a warehouse for his books or something. Before teaching, he had prayed for the students, and one young woman hadn't had the breakthrough. T. L. recited the pertinent scriptures, carefully framing them to make their point clear. Might as well have been talking to the cement wall. She kept waiting for something to happen. She believed the scriptures, I am sure, except to the point of output of herself and acceptance of Jesus.

The name Jesus is symbolically spelled. There is a shin, a tooth for consumption, for the destruction of what is, so that something else may take its place. That is how salvation works: it is literally (in the spirit) out with the bad and in with the good. No out, no in; but how to get what's in out blows every evangelist's mind. (I liked what this site said about the letter shin: http://www.walkingkabbalah.com/hebrew-alphabet-letter-meanings/ -- that the "tooth" is constructed of three branches of flame, the three pillars of the tree of life -- its short explanation says a mouthful.)

Mickie Silberling told me in Kaohsiung that I was taking everything too seriously. He told me to lighten up. Some of the best advice I ever received. Two typhoons hit the island, and I wound up taking the train from Taipei to Taichung to meet my father's merchant ship. I spent the last five dollars I had to get to the SS Roosevelt, which, bless God, was there. Four of us caught a taxi to town, and one ex-Navy sailor kept bemoaning the whole way (and it was a long way) how the Navy had ruined him, had made him an alcoholic. I finally looked back at him and told him, "Dude, there isn't any Navy here. You've been out of the Navy for years. You are free." Dad and I had a good time in Taichung, anyway. And I left with a pocket full of cash.

Are you getting any association with other people? Church, synagogue, meditation group? Just like walking around affirming without doing anything about it, you cannot build loving relationships without other people. I know how hard that can be in a crowded city: loneliest places on the earth. Try to not think of a job as a slave gig. In your little bit you are making a contribution, and you get paid.

I recommended Maxwell Maltz's Psycho-cybernetics and Napoleon Hill's Think and Grow Rich, especially for the positive mental attitude. Lately, I personally have been getting a lot out of Richard W. Wetherill's books on humanetics. They sound like a description of my family. He puts forth in Tower of Babel that we all think that we are right because our logic has been distorted by excuses and twisted logic we have installed in ourselves through our experiences and our rationalizations for them. We are always "right" no matter how wrong we are. I have only been reading the preview at books.google.com, but I realize how perceptive Wetherill was to realize that this was -- is -- the tower of Babel. Be ready for some work if you read them.

I just recently recommended Gregg Braden's videos, as well. His native American friend found the output. Feeling DRY land might have stopped the rain. You said above, "there is NO ONE in my life who is 'imagining lovingly' for me. No one who is lifting me up in imagination." Maybe some of the people who read this blog would be willing to prove you wrong by feeling lovingly for you. This would be a worthwhile experiment, because only God, the common factor in all of us, knows who you are. My blog gets about a hundred pageviews a day, whatever that means. If the several readers who read this page would kindly think of a woman who would sign her name as "Anonymous" as having love and joy and peace, serenity, security -- everything she wants and in need of nothing -- a good job and better, and endless hope being rewarded, I am sure she would appreciate it. I am pretty sure she will let us know if her life turns around from constant sorrow to peace and joy. Thank You!